@Sean_Burgundy_: Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you're the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore
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@AnkCoupleTO: Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain? Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
@SgtButtCheeks: My 4yo son just asked what squirrels eat. I answered nuts. We laughed so hard, hugged, and gave each other a high 5. My boy.
@Brampersandon_: [infomercial] ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?! AUDIENCE: YES! *a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*