Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
You Might Also Like
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?