[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.