I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
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My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then