‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
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Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?