Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
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Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
🙋♀️
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon