Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
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At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
(Musicians.)
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
never compromise your values
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right