My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.