I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Breaking news:
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16