*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
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I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I hope this email finds you in a well
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.