*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
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*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
watergate? u mean a dam??
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE