Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
You Might Also Like
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Breaking news:
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.