[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
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never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.