[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
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Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Planet of the Apps.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL