[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
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Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
secret recipe
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.