I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
You Might Also Like
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Well, this is awkward
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie