[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
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Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter