[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
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My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”