Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.