*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
You Might Also Like
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Best mom ever 😂
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR