Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
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Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?