Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
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Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light