Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
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Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.