Legend 🤣🤣
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HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes