LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
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Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
? 💀
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.