Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
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lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.