LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
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[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.