If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
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What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
accurate
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.