leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
🖤✌🏽
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
the last thing a carrot sees
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign