Leonardo DiCaprisun
You Might Also Like
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal