Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
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I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.