Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
You Might Also Like
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.