[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
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Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
mentally somewhere in italy
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Y’all ready for this