What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please