” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.