Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
You Might Also Like
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.