I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
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Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.