“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
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Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round