@TheLemon_: Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
@BeerBatterBeard: You'd think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would've been up for a performance review by now.
@NYC_Blonde: Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work...
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne...
@ImKevinito: I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
@sachinsebastian: I work 24/7 - which is about 3.42 hours.
@LostFelicia: Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.