Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
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Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
reviewed some movies recently
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Shower sex be like: