Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
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Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
😏😏😏
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”