Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
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2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
good let them take over I have had enough