My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
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Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Word!
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.