Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
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Canadian owl: Eh?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I beg your pardon?
Have kids, they said
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.