Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.