Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
👾👾👾
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.