@badbanana: Let's begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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@gorrdano: I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.
@Book_Krazy: [interview] HIM: What are your strengths? ME: Well, I can see dead people. HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies? ME: Grave digging
@WilliamRodgers: What my Doctor said... "Sugar kills more people than Cocaine" What I heard... "The next time you're craving Cake...Do some blow instead"
@hippieswordfish: [police chase] FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff ME: are u sure F: just do it M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*