“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
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I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now