Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
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Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.