“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
eating my hot dog hamburger style
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Every. Damn. Time.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made