“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Same post same
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.