‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
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“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili