@kelkulus: Let's legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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@myles_morrison: Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.
@UnderTheJewFro: You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.
@Spaced_Cowboy00: I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
@Brampersandon_: [Infomercial] HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!? AUDIENCE: Yes! HOST: Here's how! *rips off his own arm*