@kelkulus: Let's legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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@ThaJawn: Phill: *gets stung by a stingray Me: *pees on his wound Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!
@_ElvishPresley_: *Beethoven & orchestra take stage* HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy! Beethoven: –we're gonna play some new stuff HECKLER: boooo
@DanMentos: [first date] me: they know me here date: *reading sign on wall* "No Puppetry"? me (proudly): I'm the reason they have that