Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
😂💯
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.