@kelkulus: Let's legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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@moooooog35: Wife [walking into house]: Ummm.. Me: [recreating "You Better Shape Up Scene" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Please take the trash out ME: Ok *later that night* ME: I'm having a nice time TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
@Sickayduh: "Yeah can I have a triple bacon cheeseburger..." *sees Grim Reaper in passenger seat* *sigh* "and can you put lettuce and tomato on that?"