Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re