I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
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I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*